my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
