i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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