Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
