Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
