If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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