Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
