There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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