you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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