DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
