i think my tv is drunk
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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