I love black thongs
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
