I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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