i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
