note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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