everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
