i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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