I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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