if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
