Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
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