I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
