He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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