end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
