Don't make out with my wife yet
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i came on her dog
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
