I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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