glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
