i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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