Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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