This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
