I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Did I show you my penis last night?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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