no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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