Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
