guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
