First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
