so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
