Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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