remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
