the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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