Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
