I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
