hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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