3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
