thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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