Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Randomize
