I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Help. Why am I so naked?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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