I wish I could teleport
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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