just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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