we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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