I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
