I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
