I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
