He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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