PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
home. puking in laundry basket.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
